Thursday, February 14, 2013

Pity Party

In the wee hours of the morning, Marty wakes me up to announce that he has, again, peed in the bed. I wash him off, give him dry pajamas and change his wet sheets. I am so upset, fatigued, and highly stressed. I go on a pity filled rant, as Marty tries unsuccessfully to fall back asleep in his lounger. All the emotions of anger and resentment that I’ve felt over the past few weeks seemed to rush over me. See, earlier in the week, the dog took ill and had to be seen by a vet. My poor doggie could barely stand, he refused food and water, he looked emaciated, and, of course, I feared the worse. Since I resigned from my job, I have felt more hopeless than ever. I had been working as a contractor for 2 ½ months and have yet to receive any form of payment. To top that, my oldest son, Max, had been out of school for a whole week due to strep throat. I beat myself up because I was conflicted about whether to take him to see a doctor. He rejected my home remedies, so he ended up suffering for 4 days before I finally made arrangements to self-pay at his pediatricians’ office. Thankfully, the office gave us a $25 discount. I felt guilty for days for delaying my baby’s trip to the doctor. Everyone in the house is getting sick; the bills from my ER visits are filing in everyday: $1200, $500, $400… I hate not having health insurance; I hate the life I’ve stumbled in. I never envisioned poverty and depression in my future; nor being in a miserable marriage. I know that I made a mistake marrying Aspie dad, and it looks like I will spend a lifetime paying for that mistake. Tears.

All these negative self-defeating thoughts came to my mind as I put clean sheets on Marty’s bed. What did I do to deserve this? Is this Karma? Was I a violent criminal in a past life? Why me? I remember being so ambitious and hopeful before I married Aspie dad. I was so “on fire” for God. When did my faith betray me? Was I destined to spend a decade of my life in a desolate marriage to a spouse that will never ever meet my needs for intimacy and security? Where did I go wrong? Is there a reverse button? How can I climb out of this mess? I went to grad school with intentions to land a hirer paying job to support my kids, now I am 90K in debt and struggling to find employment. I used to be independent, self sufficient, a good steward over my finances. In my late twenties, I had good credit and was looking to buy a condo in the city. Now, I am like millions of other Americans who are just one missed pay check from the welfare line.  I am few years from turning forty, in debt, out-of-work, unhappy, and for the first time in my life, feeling as though I am trapped and have no control over my circumstances. It’s a lonely feeling. I am dejected. I used to be optimistic. Now, I feel more physical pain than joy, more disappointment than pleasure, and more sadness than happy. I look at my friends’ lives in envy…an emotion that I am very ashamed of. A feeling that was once shared delight in seeing my friends’ good fortune, wishful in some day experiencing my own family’s success; but, now, I want their lives and I hate myself for that. How did I marry the wrong man and spend 10 years dazed and confused in this episode of the Twilight Zone? I am triggered to remember, as a newlywed, how painful it was to have a spouse that could never seem to apologize for things he did wrong…never console me or assure me that things would be okay. Instead, I got a blank stare or flat affect and a defensive attitude from a man that didn’t seem to know any better.
Years I put up with this, wondering what I did wrong; blaming myself and thinking I wasn’t smart enough or pretty enough. I am angry at myself for not being able to get out of this situation. How did I become totally dependent on a man that didn’t even know how to write or balance a checkbook when I met him? In fact, his mother paid his bills up until he got married [something I found out about after the fact]. I worked too hard to have this level of failure and poor judgment shape my life. I was the girl that started working at 14, saved to buy a car at 16, and had 2 jobs while I was in college. I had creative drive, renter’s insurance, a savings account, life insurance, and 401K when I was 25. I managed my finances well, volunteered, tithed, was conservative, and maintained a content and satisfying social life.  I was supposed to be successful, have a strong and assertive masculine partner, 4 healthy kids, a beautiful home, and a promising future; yet, I got a 10 year long case study with 3 useless degrees and undiagnosed mental illnesses, children with special needs [that I adore], a working class lifestyle, and an unfinished master’s degree with little prospects. Yes, I know I am wallowing in the pity party, perhaps even being ungrateful, but sometimes all that ‘gunk’ – negative thoughts and desperation, need to come out. I know that “this too shall pass,” it has too. I still have a flicker of hope in the form of a vision of me being happy, having the things I want and deserve, the love that I desire, and the quality of life for my children that is worth living for and fighting for. I also guard the power that I do have…to influence others for good or bad. My kids need to see me overcome obstacles, to be fervent in my faith, and consistent in the kindness I show to them and others. I want to do good. I choose to do good. Therefore, I will get through this hazy period and learn from it. Until next time - Good vibes solicited! Prayers appreciated!

No comments:

Post a Comment